I learned at a very early age that playing with fire, for me, was ALWAYS a terrible idea. I don’t know if I have many young, Italian, boys reading this blog but if you’re here, allow me to impart this wisdom to you and your changing body.
From one Italian to another, You are going to be an exceptionally hairy individual, and the hair is coming way earlier then you want it to. And, hair is VERY flammable. When all of your guy friends in middle school start playing with fire, you might want to sit out during those games!
I say that from practical experience. I will never forget in the 6th grade when me and the guys were doing a perfectly normal middle school boy activity….setting our farts on fire…And it was my turn. So, like all the other fellas, I pulled down my pants, and let it rip towards the lighter. Without getting to visual with you all, it’s important to note that Italians get hairy early on, everywhere. So while all my other pale, hairless, American buddies had nothing but fun and fire with their farts….When the fire lit up near my bottom, it caught the nearby hair and yes…I caught my bottom on fire. And that’s how I learned the dangers with Fire and Italians.
And this isn’t even the story I wanted to share with you today, but I felt like it was an important Preamble.
The year was 2012…ish, and I was a youth pastor getting ready for our 3rd Fall Retreat at this one particular church camp. My youth group partnered with two other churches, and me and the other two youth pastors were the best of friends. Every year we put on an EPIC Fall Retreat, and all of our kids absolutely loved it.
Perhaps the “best” part of the Fall Retreat in the eyes of our teenagers was an annual activity we did called The Hunt. It was the biggest deal. Basically, it was a adult leader vs student hide and seek game. The students went out into the woods where our camp was at and had 30 minutes to create the perfect hiding space and do their best impression of the “Invisible Woman” and remain unseen for an hour. After a set amount of time, all the adults left with their flashlights to find as many teenagers as possible. If you survived the Hunt, you got a T-shirt and the pride of knowing that YOU survived the Hunt that year.
I feel the need to express that I know now, looking back, the reality that I was sending a group of 100 or so hormonal teenagers out into the woods unsupervised for thirty minutes or more to hide in the dark. I like to think they were different times back then, and kids did “less” stuff in the dark woods, late at night, without adults around…Or we were all just dumber adults.
Anyway, this was the third year that my two youth pastor friends and I had done this activity, and it had really blown up. Kids would buy tree suits, deck themselves out in camo, and spend countless hours strategizing the perfect hiding place. When the students told their friends about this Fall Retreat, the Hunt was the best selling point for them to attend the event.
It was the Biggest deal, and we, the youth pastors, wanted to step up our game a little bit to keep up with the excitement.
So here’s what three guys in their early twenties decided to do. And since I just said “three guys in their early twenties” you know it’s going to be a really stupid idea.
We decided that this year, instead of using flashlights like all the other adults, we were going to research how to make the old torches that people used back in the days of hunting witches. We got the giant sticks, the specific kind of alcohol and rags that worked best, the lighter fluid, and of course the lighter. In our minds, it was going to look SO COOL to be hiding in your spot, as a teenager, and see three grown men coming through the forest holding torches as if they were hunting you like witches.
I see now so many problems with our plan, and it’s important to me that you know that 10 years later, I am a smarter person!
But back then, I thought we were geniuses.
If you ever are dumb enough to do this, here’s a small piece of advice you might want to heed. Hold the staff at an angle, so the alcohol doesn’t trickle down the wood onto your arm. Also, don’t be hairy.
Like an idiot, I stomped into the woods with my witch burning torch. I held it straight up, loud and proud, so the whole world could see. Possible Forest Fire? Wasn’t even a concern I had thought about. And before I could realize that fire in woods is usually a bad idea, the alcohol dripped down my hairy man arm, and it was 6th grade fire farts all over again for me.
As the alcohol hit my arm, so did the fire. Before I knew it, I became the largest and loudest torch of all. As I was doing my best impression of lighting up like the Human Torch, I have to say…not my most Fantastic moment.
I immediately found nearby mud and started rolling in it. Thank goodness it had rained the night before, and there were no kids hiding in the mud.
I was fine. I didn’t have any serious burns if you exclude the massive burn to my pride. That’s okay, at twenty-four, I had plenty of pride to spare. When we all returned to the main building at the conclusion of the game, two things happened that I’ll never forget.
First, several kids admitting to being nearby me when I caught myself on fire. I asked why they didn’t jump out to help and they responded, “We didn’t want to get caught! We wondered if it was some stunt you were pulling to trick us out of hiding.” I was kind of complimented that they thought I was THAT committed to the game!
Secondly, I remember one of my favorite volunteers at the time, a lady name Karen. This was before Karen became a bad word. Karen was a sweet older lady who always had pep in her step, a smile on her face, and said nothing but encouraging things…Always. Well, almost always. That night Karen told me,
“Andrew, I have worked with you now for several years and you have done some pretty questionable things but this was by far the DUMBEST thing you have ever done.”
She wasn’t wrong.
And that’s the time I set myself on fire. Thanks for reading!
Do you have a funny or embarrassing story involving fire? Or better yet, do you have a HEROIC story involving fire? Maybe you rushed into a burning building and saved an old lady and her cat? Feel free to comment below with your own instance involving fires!
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